Past Heaven Read online

  Reynolds was about to get up close and personal with my biggest champion and protector.

  “ALL RIGHT, I only have a few minutes so let me be quick and very fucking clear.” The jovial, light Cindy was gone. She stood up, placing both hands flat on the table in front of her, and pinned me with a glare. “That woman there is one of the most important people in my life. You got that? You’ve spent what? A day or two with her? I’m sure you already know how amazing she is. So let me make it crystal clear to you. Jack’s memory is very important to her, the boys, and everyone who knew him. So you mess this up, you hurt her or those boys, and you’ll deal with me. I have a cousin named Vinnie. I know people. It won’t be pretty.”

  She moved around the table and crossed her arms in front of me, as I watched fierce loyalty in action. “Look, Mr. Hollywood. Liz is off limits. I know you playboy types. I watch the E channel. Don’t mess with her head or her heart. She’s been through enough without having some Casanova in a tight shirt and low slung jeans making a play on her.”

  She lifted her finger and pointed it at my chest. “If I find out that you’ve hurt her, used her, or just not appreciated her, well, I’ll rip your motherfucking balls off. Then you won’t have to worry about what number you are on my list. Are. We. Clear?”

  If looks could kill I would be dead and gone. This chick meant business.

  Hell if I wasn’t impressed. Friends like that didn’t exist in L.A. Christ, she’d threaten an MMA fighter in order to protect Liz.

  I put my hands up in surrender. “I hear you, Cindy. I promise I will protect her during this process. I realize how special she is. This isn’t easy for her, but I promise not to push too hard. You’re a great friend, and she’s lucky to have you.”

  Cindy leaned in and hugged me. She held on a little longer than normal. I thought I also heard her sniff me, but I might have imagined that. Liz came upstairs with a tray of steaks in her hands, and Cindy finally released me.

  “Staying for dinner, Cindy?” Liz asked as she placed the tray on the counter.

  “No, I just hugged Reynolds Carter. I’m going home to lay in bed and—”

  “Cindy!” Liz shouted, covering her ears. She then pushed Cindy toward the front door.

  “I was going to say nap! What were you thinking, Liz? Bye, Reynolds! See you soon, sweetie!” Cindy called out as Liz walked her to her car.

  I chuckled to myself as I restarted my laptop and looked around Liz’s kitchen. I had never been anywhere like this. Growing up, my parents had been loving, but they had worked most of the time. That meant I spent a lot of time by myself. I didn’t grow up around laughter and teasing. We’d have thoughtful and intellectual discussions, but not the easy-going nature of this home.

  I leaned back in my chair and stretched out my legs. Resting my hands on top of my head, I let today’s events sink in. Liz and I were working on a crippling story. I knew that, but something came over me, and I couldn’t explain it. I wished I could find a way to ease Liz’s pain. I’d never liked tears. I didn’t know any guy who did, and watching her cry had been crushing.

  Liz laughed as she came back into the room and snapped me out of my thoughts. “I’m sorry. She’s a lunatic!” She rubbed her temples as she leaned against the doorway. “Let me make it up to you. Stay for dinner. I’d like the boys to get to know the man working with me on their dad’s story.”

  “That sounds great, thanks.” I shifted in my chair and kicked myself in the ass. Dinner with her kids? Shit. I’d never eaten a meal with kids. I wondered if I could sit through the entire thing without coming out of my skin. This could become awkward. Liz’s face brightened up as she moved toward the counter. But if dinner would help Liz and her boys to feel more comfortable around me…I thought I could, at the very least, act my way through it.

  We had worked until the bus thundered down the street, and then Liz went outside to meet the kids. The door swung open, and the boys ran into the house with hellos and high fives—except for Griffin. He glowered and gave me the evil eye.

  “Griff, Grayson, finish your cookies and then head into the den to do your homework. Hayden, you stay here where I can check on you.” Liz placed a tray in the oven. “You need to be quiet, though. Reynolds is finishing his work, too.” Hayden nodded solemnly at his mother and then gave me a sideways glance and smiled mischievously.

  Hayden was quiet for approximately three minutes.

  “Dang, Mommy, these B’s and D’s are hard!” Hayden wrinkled his brow and gripped his oversized pencil tightly as he practiced over and over again.

  “They are buddy, but you’ll get it.” Liz replied, flipping through a stack of mail.

  I leaned over Hayden’s shoulder and watched the progression from shaky to steady as he practiced the outline of his letters. “Nice work, little man.”

  “Reynolds, will you play soccer with me before dinner? Pretty pleeeaasse?” He begged with his little hands clasped together.

  Hell no. I did not play with kids. I plastered a fake smile on my face as I looked down at him. That little guy’s face was cute, though. Hard to resist cute. I was staying for dinner so I needed to be flexible, right? I looked over my shoulder at the backyard behind me. I hadn’t gotten any exercise yet today and the weather looked nice. I pushed away from the table to stand and felt something sticky clumped onto my fingers. I swallowed, my mind racing with foul images of what it could possibly be.

  “Sorry! That’s from my glue stick.” Hayden grabbed a napkin off the table and swiped at my fingers, causing the napkin to stick to the glue. This was why I didn’t play with kids.

  Hayden brought his face inches from mine. “I’ll be more careful, Mr. Reynolds.” His voice quivered and his eyes glistened.

  I really did like soccer.

  Looking over Hayden’s head, I caught Liz’s eye and she nodded in approval. I peeled the sticky napkin from my fingers and rubbed my hands together. “Let’s play ball.”

  “Block him. Get in there, Hayden.” I turned and switched directions, trying to get in front of Grayson. He laughed and moved past me as Griffin kicked the ball to him.

  “Scoooooorrrrre!” Grayson cheered as he kicked a goal. He jumped in the air in celebration and Hayden burst out laughing. Grayson chest bumped his brothers and then me. I couldn’t keep from joining in the laughter. I glanced at Griffin and his smile vanished as he dribbled the ball away.

  Standing at the grill, Liz had a faraway, wistful look on her face. “You okay?” I rested my hand on her forearm and she winced, pulling it away. Shit, she didn’t like to be touched. Why couldn’t I remember that?

  “Yup.” She nodded and gave me a quick smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen this, but it’s a good thing. Thank you. They’re having a blast.” She brought her arms across her body and watched them play.

  I smiled back, but my stomach clenched. Maybe I blurred the line with the soccer. “No biggie, Liz. It was just a game.”

  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back. While I meant them, they sounded cold and callous. She jolted back, her jaw set tight. She smiled, the same fake smile I’d shown to Hayden earlier, and turned back towards the grill.

  “Of course it was just a game. Still, it was kind of you to indulge them.” Her voice was flat and my throat became dry. Why didn’t I think before I spoke?

  “Let’s eat!” Liz called out to the boys, and they headed inside to wash up.

  “Liz, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude.” I moved in front of her, blocking her from entering the house.

  She pinched the sides of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut. “You have nothing to apologize for. This is all me. Now, come on. Let’s enjoy dinner.” We walked into the kitchen and I washed my hands at the sink.

  “Wine?” Liz asked as she poured herself a glass of Cabernet. “I have to drink a glass of red with steaks.” I nodded, and she filled my glass as well.

  Sipping the wine, I felt my body begin to relax.
My stomach unclenched and I filled my plate with food as it was passed around. Leaning forward, I inhaled deeply, the smell of the home cooked food making my mouth water.

  “This looks and smells amazing.” I picked up my knife and fork and cut into the thick rib-eye. I took a bite, appreciating the taste of the perfectly cooked beef.

  “Um, Mr. Reynolds?” Hayden looked at me with a questioning expression. I stopped chewing, and looked around the table. No one was eating. All four sat with their hands clasped in front of their plates.

  “Prayers, famous dude.” Grayson held up his clasped hands.

  Christ. They prayed before eating? I’d never said prayers. I forced myself to swallow my partially chewed lump of meat and clasped my damn hands.

  “Two eyes to look to God.” Hayden spoke, pointing to his eyes, and the other three repeated his words and mimicked his actions. My eyes bulged out as I watched them. I was supposed to repeat after him? “Two feet to walk His ways.” Hayden pointed to his feet, and again they did the same. I missed the words I was supposed to say, but I pointed to my feet a few seconds after them. I looked like an idiot. I memorized scripts and I was struggling to follow along with a kid’s prayer. “Two hands to do His will.” Hayden held up his hands and beamed when he saw I was following along with the correct line and action. “And one heart to love Him still, Amen.” Placing his hand over his heart, solemnly, a smile broke out across my face as we finished the family prayer. I had to admit, Hayden was a sweet kid.

  I didn’t know what I thought my first family dinner would be like. Maybe I expected to be annoyed, but I ended up surprised. I laughed more than I had in months. Liz laughed so hard at a story Grayson told that she choked on her wine. The boys told us about the happenings that day, which girls they were picking on in school, and what the lunchroom gossip was about. It was real. This was how people—real people—actually lived.

  The boys excused themselves from the table, each one taking his plate to the sink. I’d become so used to Maria doing this for me, that I’d almost forgotten my manners.

  “Let me help with the dishes.” I stacked a pile of dirty plates and placed them in the sink and then cleared the table.

  “You’re a guest here, Reynolds. No way are you doing the dishes.” The laughter and conversation at dinner had relaxed Liz, too. She pressed her lips together and glared at me with mock outrage. I wanted to laugh. Maybe it was only the wine talking, but she was acting more comfortable around me. This would make working together much easier.

  “Let me do my part and help you!” I laughed as she pushed me out of the way.

  “Next time. You helped clear and that’s enough for tonight. Baby steps. I don’t just hand over my kitchen to anyone until I’m sure they can handle it.” She raised her eyebrows in challenge, and I threw my hands up in defeat.

  “Okay, okay! You win. For tonight only.” I walked into the family room where the boys played video games.

  “Goodnight, guys.” I crouched down by the couch to say goodbye.

  “Night,” Grayson responded with a grin. “Nice beating you in soccer.”

  I laughed at his response and then high fived Hayden. I was purposefully ignored by Griffin.

  I popped my head in the kitchen. “I’m heading out.”

  Liz wiped her hands with a towel and looked up at me as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Let me walk you out.”

  As we headed to the door, I struggled to find the words to express what tonight had meant to me. I wasn’t sure I understood it myself. All I knew was that I’d had a great night, in the tiny town of Jacksonville. It wasn’t fancy. It wasn’t sexy. It sure as hell wasn’t cool. But damn if I didn’t like it.

  At the Atwater dinner table tonight, I felt grounded for the first time I could remember. I grasped both of Liz’s hands in mine and glanced away, searching for the right way to thank her for everything. At the point of contact, her body stiffened. My eyes darted to her widened stare, but she stood still and didn’t pull away. “Thank you for tonight….” My words trailed away.

  Liz looked up at me and smiled, nodding while biting her lip nervously. I could blame it on the wine, the way my heart was rapidly beating, or the way her huge brown eyes studied my face, but I went ahead and asked her the question that had been on my mind since earlier today. “Liz, I’m curious. Did I make your list?” I couldn’t keep the amusement off my face as she blushed and then laughed as she studied the floor.

  She stretched onto her tiptoes, and her lips came close to my ear. Her warm breath made my pulse race. “Number one.”

  Having her so close to me shocked me. My body ignited, as if she had been pressed against me. In my profession, I had encountered impressive and exotic women every day, but I’d never met a woman whose mere proximity made my body react so quickly.

  She took an immediate step back and looked away. I rubbed my chin, swallowing roughly and managed to choke out, “Tomorrow, ten o’clock?”

  She nodded, staring at the floor, and whispered good night. I walked to my car, feeling a strange combination of pride, confusion, and total arousal.

  Fuck. I could see it coming. Shit was about to get complicated.

  “I TOLD HIM.” I whispered into the phone, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

  “Told who, what?” Cindy yawned loudly.

  “Reynolds. My vino-induced loose lips caused me to tell him he was number one on my list. Oh god, Cind. I’m so mortified.” I flipped, pressing my face into my pillow and screamed. It was one thing to tell my friends who my Hollywood crush was, but actually telling him was totally different.

  In a really huge way.

  “How did you feel when you told him?” Cindy whispered into the phone in a fast clip.

  “Let’s see. I felt like a stupid teenager. I was panting, I was sweaty. Oh Lord. I flirted. I was flirting.” I grunted into the phone and threw my hand over my face.

  “Yes you did, and now you’re suffering from post-traumatic flirt syndrome. You’ll get over it.”

  I groaned in response, and she laughed as we said goodnight. I slipped into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

  What was I thinking? I couldn’t flirt. I lathered soap in my hands and rubbed it onto my face. I stared at my reflection in the mirror as I scrubbed. I was a woman and flirting was natural, right? Leaning closer to the faucet, I splashed warm water on my face and I patted it dry with a towel, never taking my eyes off the woman staring back at me. No, I wasn’t just a woman. I was the mother of Jack’s children. That part of me, the days of racing hearts and butterflies, was over.

  I had seen the joy on my boys’ faces tonight when they had played ball with Reynolds. I needed to make sure my little men didn’t get too close to Reynolds during this process. He might try and be their friend, but he would eventually leave and they could get hurt. I would not allow them to be hurt by the loss of another man, ever again.

  I climbed back into bed and rolled over to Jack’s side. I picked up the picture of him that I kept on his nightstand. “I miss you so much, honey.” Tears filled my eyes, and I looked at the face of my husband and the father of my children. Yes, that part of my life was over forever.

  I woke the next morning with a renewed purpose. What Reynolds needed to see today were some of the people impacted by Jack’s work. He needed to meet David and his friends.

  After my run, I made a few phone calls. I needed to fill the new director of the agency in with details about this project. Luckily, my brother and some of his friends would be at the agency today for a meeting around lunchtime.

  I stared into the mirror hanging in our hallway. I dabbed on lip gloss and swiped on a coat of mascara. Hanging out with a gorgeous male specimen like Reynolds, reminded me that I should wear something other than yoga pants. Knotting my hair in a bun after my shower wasn’t going to cut it. Reynolds knocked on the door, and my blood raced through my veins. Would we be awkward now after I had so stupidly admitted my crush? I was so embarras
sed, full body trembles coursed through me. Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I pulled the door open.

  As soon as I saw his easy-going grin, I couldn’t help but smile back. Today would be fine. He looked stunning, as usual. Wearing a white button down shirt, he had left the top buttons undone and sleeves rolled up. He wore dark blue jeans and his messy hair was still damp. He appeared confident and energized. How did anyone look like that day after day?

  “How are you?” I asked, motioning for him to come in.

  He looked me up and down as he came in the door. “I rode one of the horses on the farm this morning. It brought back great memories.” His excitement was visible, and it made him look younger, if that was possible. “You look great. Are we going somewhere today?”

  Since we would be visiting Warren, I wanted to look professional. After losing a fair amount of weight since Jack’s death, I had slowly begun purchasing clothes in my new sizes. A white blouse, tan skirt which hit just above the knee, and tan wedges was my typical school-event mom uniform. My hair was blown dry and styled, and I had on my trusty push-up bra.

  “I was wondering if you’d like to come to the Warren agency and meet my brother and some of his friends who have been affected by the closing of Caldwell Center.” I wrung my hands together as the thought occurred to me that this would be the first time we would be out in public. I had never been around a celebrity before, and he was not just any celebrity. Reynolds was recognized everywhere he went.

  “Sounds like a solid next step in our work. Thanks for arranging it.” Reynolds headed out, and I grabbed my purse as we walked to his car. “I’ll drive if you navigate.” Reynolds opened the passenger door to the black Range Rover he had rented. I hopped in as gracefully as I could in my skirt.

  “This car is fantastic.” I looked around in awe and ran my hands along the dashboard. “Much better than my minivan, filled with candy wrappers and perfumed like boys’ sports equipment.” We both laughed at the image and Reynolds jumped in his side, driving us out of the neighborhood.