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  No one had ever asked me what it was like, as the younger sibling of someone with disabilities. It was hard for me to explain. Evie was my heart, right there, walking around for everyone to see and examine as they wished. She was my sister and my friend, but she was also like my child even though she was technically older than me. I worried about her all the time and wanted to protect her from anything and anyone that could hurt her.

  But as a gawky, nerdy, teenager—it was tough to be watched so much in public. Young kids would often point to Evie or ask their parents what was wrong with her. A few times, particularly when cute boys were around, I felt embarrassed by the unwanted attention. But I quickly became angry at myself for feeling that way, and I got pissed at the stares and comments.

  I decided then that I needed to be a bitch to people first, before they got a chance to hurt my family. I would look the person up and down in disgust, hoping to make them feel uncomfortable before they could make us feel that way. I had never shared those thoughts, those scars, with anyone before Landon. It felt freeing to open up and admit them, but it was surprising to me that he cared and wanted to hear about this aspect of my life.

  And he really seemed to enjoy the long conversations. He asked many questions about my mom, the absence of my Dad, and what my life was like in high school. He was trying to get to know the real me, and most surprising of all—I was letting him.

  Landon moved to the couch and waited for me to finish the next week’s schedule. The sky opened up and it poured buckets of water. Lightning and thunder crashed all around us. We weren’t leaving here for a while.

  I sat next to Landon on the couch and he looked at me curiously. “Short stuff… will you be bad with me?”

  My stomach flipped at his words and my heart began to beat faster. I narrowed my eyes at him with suspicion, “What did you have in mind?”

  Landon pulled out a small cooler from behind the couch. “The forecast called for heavy storms, so I prepared in case we were stuck here for a while… Let’s have a beer and relax.”

  I looked around nervously. This could get me fired if we were caught, but there was no way anyone was coming to look for us in this storm. Landon was right. I needed to stop being so uptight. I wanted to act my age and prove Ashley wrong—I could be a fun girl. And now I was starting to realize I really wanted to have that fun with Landon.

  “Well, what are you waiting for, Hoosier? Pass one over here.” Landon looked taken aback but thrilled, as he handed me a beer and we toasted. “To living a little,” I whispered shyly and then sipped the bottled beer. It wasn’t the usual cheap college stuff. The beer was rich and almost floral in its taste.

  “Yum. What is this?” I took another long drink as Landon nodded in agreement.

  “My cousin and some friends started their own craft brewery in town. It’s Flat 12. Amazing local stuff.” Landon gave me a thoughtful grin as he drank more of his beer. “Did you want to come back here after college?”

  I shrugged and took another long drink. God, it felt good to drink and relax again. “Actually, I was planning on applying to graduate schools in California.”

  “Wow! Why California?”

  “Why not?” Landon’s loud laugh filled my ears and I couldn’t help but chuckle along with him. “I’ve lived my whole life in Indiana. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but it’s pretty flat and, well, boring. No mountains, no shoreline. Anyway, I’ve always wanted to spend time on each of the coasts. So, I did undergrad at UVA and then… oh well. Maybe someday.”

  I had shared a lot of my past with Landon over the past week. I was trying hard to not dive too deep into my personal sadness—depression, really—over the move back home. It wasn’t a pleasant story and it wouldn’t be entertaining for anyone.

  I couldn’t tell him about how thrilled I was to graduate high school and head to the East Coast for college. It was a fresh start; somewhere I wasn’t known for my family and their hardships. I pretended to be a normal girl, with no stresses or worries back home, living a carefree college life. But, of course, I was just pretending. I knew all along that my freedom wouldn’t last. I could act my face off, but I couldn’t hide. My reality—my life—was always there.

  And then my mom had called. She couldn’t pay the bills alone anymore and Evie needed constant support. Her doctors said early onset Alzheimer’s was on the horizon, a very typical diagnosis for individuals with Downs. She felt horrible about it, but she needed me to talk to my advisors to see if I could graduate early. I had a bunch of Advanced Placement credits from high school, so my original plan was to start working toward a Master’s in History as soon as possible. I wanted to go to graduate school in California and hopefully end up as a college professor. That was my hope, but when had my life ever gone the way I hoped it would? There were my buddies—Bitter & Boring—rearing their ugly heads again.

  I was devastated that my dreams—and my freedom—were coming to an end. My mom tried to reassure me that this was temporary. Evie would be moving into a group home as soon as possible and would have the supports necessary for a safe and happy life. I would then be free to continue on with my career goals. But it was hard to let go of where I was. I hated the idea of saying goodbye to my roommate and being forced to leave school early. I knew it was the right thing to do, and I would never abandon my mom when she needed me, but I felt cheated that I was losing out on my college experience.

  I didn’t tell Landon that I graduated near the top of my class, but I refused to walk the stage to receive my diploma or even let mom come to Virginia. I finished my exams, packed up my few bags, and drove straight back home to Indiana in 11 hours. I wasn’t sure my old Accord would make it, but we had coasted into town right on schedule, out of pure determination, and almost totally out of gas.

  Nope, I didn’t need to dump all of that on him. But what I did want was to get to know him better. I knew absolutely nothing about Landon, save for his passion for football, working out, and his truck. There was more he was holding back—there had to be. Everyone has a story, after all. And as he went from Mr. Cool in my eyes, to the sensitive guy I saw around me and Evie, I knew there was deeper for me to go. “Tell me about your family, Landon. You never talk about them.”

  Landon traced his finger along the edges of my hand. “Not much to tell. I’m not close with them at all. My Dad owns a huge Ford dealership. He works all the time, and when he’s not working, he’s golfing. The only thing he ever asks me about—ever—is football. I swear, if I couldn’t play, he’d be done with me.”

  I squeezed his hand, knowing what it felt like to be bitterly disappointed in your father. “Siblings?”

  Landon shook his head, “Just me. My mom’s an interior designer. She works a lot too and plays a lot of tennis. I think she’s mostly concerned that I don’t mess up the house when I’m home, or interfere with her schedule. Honestly, I was never around much growing up. I was always that kid hanging at a friend’s house. My best friend, Dean, has a huge, close-knit family. I have always felt closer to them than my own parents. And that’s pretty much that.”

  We finished our beers and started on the next round. Landon continued his line of questioning. “Back to you, what’s your degree in?”

  “Secondary education. My advisor figured out that if I took a full load of education courses my junior year, I could graduate one year early and be a certified middle or high school history teacher.” Landon’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

  “Ummm… I can’t imagine you teaching high school, Em. The boys would go nuts… I mean seriously…. I don’t think they could concentrate at all with you in the front of the room. Their focus would be on the constant bulge between their legs.”

  I elbowed Landon’s ribs and laughed, resting my head back on the couch. “I know. I think I’m too young to teach high school too. I applied to middle schools in the area—but, nada.” There really was nothing available. It hit me like a rock to the chest that I might be living at home, w
ith a college degree, working retail or flipping burgers.

  I took a calming breath and another sip of beer. “Ultimately, I want to get my doctoral degree in history and teach at the college level. This is just a temporary thing to help my mom.”

  “No shit. Dr. Harris. That is way hot.” Landon was resting his head on the couch, watching me.

  “How about you, Land. What’s your major?”

  “First of all, I fucking love it that you called me Land. Please keep doing that. Second, undecided. Not sure what I want to do yet.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling a nice buzz. “That’s very common—takes a while—” Landon cut me off with a kiss at the corner of my mouth. He pulled back and watched me carefully.

  He looked unsure, not knowing whether he had crossed a line. In all of our conversations, nothing more than an accidental brush of our hands had occurred. He had no way of knowing that when our hands did meet, my heart raced and I held back with everything inside me to keep from grabbing onto him and not letting go.

  I wanted this kiss. I had wanted it probably since I felt him behind me in the pump room. I knew with complete certainty that Landon’s kiss would rock me. There was a connection between us. Not only did I quake in his presence, which almost never happened to me, but he took the time to get to know me. He had won me over, but he had no idea. It was up to me to show him, and right now I had to taste him.

  Leaning toward him, I met his stare and our lips slowly came together. Softly at first, then I opened my mouth slightly and our tongues met. Landon brought his hands to my head, tangling them in my hair as I ran my hands up his chest and circled them around his neck. Our tongues danced, licking at each other and I heard myself whimper. He tasted like the delicious beer, mint, and something uniquely… him. I wanted more. I sucked on his tongue and he groaned, scooting me onto his lap. He pulled back and looked at me with hooded eyes.

  “Damn, Em. You can kiss.”

  I took his face in my hands and leaned in to kiss him again. I was so absorbed in the way his lips fit against mine, I couldn’t hear or think or even breathe properly. He bit my lower lip and pulled it out as I moaned and kissed him harder, moving to straddle him at the same time. I pressed down on him and he tensed, grabbing my rear tightly. Blood roared through my body, suddenly filling my ears, drowning out any other noise. I ran my hands through his short hair and rubbed my fingers along the soft, shaved edges near his neck. Too fast, this was moving way too fast. And it felt way too good too.

  This time it was me who moved back. “Not bad yourself, Land. But we can’t do this. Not here and not now. I gotta get home to Evie.”

  Landon closed his eyes and nodded, kissing me gently before standing with my legs still wrapped around him. “You’re all in my head. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  I slid down him, feeling his arousal and my own ache pulsing through me. “Good. You’ve gotten to me, too.”

  The room was almost crackling with the sexual energy between us. I wanted to tell him more. How good he felt, how much I wanted him to follow me home and kiss me… touch me… hold me. I wanted him to know how big a deal it was to me that he asked questions and wanted to get to know me. But I didn’t. That would be opening up too much, too soon. I needed to protect myself better than that.

  Instead of opening my mouth and letting my emotions pour out, I held out my hand and he grasped it tightly in his. We grinned at one another like a couple of goofy kids before we raced to our cars in the pouring rain.

  ***

  NOT MANY THINGS made me thoughtful. I thought about how much I like beer, playing ball, my truck, and of course—women. But thoughtful? Nah, that was too much emotion for me.

  The music blaring from my speakers relaxed me and I found myself not singularly focused on my drive to the lake to meet Dean. I thought about… her. Just last week, I had really fucked up with her. All because I wasn’t thoughtful. I had only cared about myself, my boys, and our time at the lake.

  “C’mon! You are a woman. A wooommmaaan. Drink more beer!” Dean, Ricky, and Jon laughed loudly and popped their cans in unity.

  “Okay. Just one more. I’ve got to work out in the morning. Coach will kill me if I gain beer weight and miss a workout.” I opened the beer that I wanted to drink, but knew I shouldn’t.

  “You’re full of shit, you know that Landon?” Dean elbowed Ricky and pointed an unsteady finger at me. “He’s pressed to be there to see Emmmaaaa!” Dean proceeded to thrust his hips into the air until I threw an empty can at his head.

  “If that’s the extent of your technique, it’s no wonder you can’t get a piece of ass, jackhole.” Dean flipped me off and laid back down on his sleeping bag. This was a summer tradition. Camping and drinking beer at the lake—redneckin’ it like the good ol’ country boys we were. Usually loud—and loose—girls came with us, drinking our beer, and sucking on our necks when they weren’t complaining about the heat, bug bites, or pissing behind a tree. But I had declared tonight a guy’s-only night. I swear I could hear the females bitching about it from here.

  “What’s up with Emma, man?” Ricky asked. I liked Ricky. He was a man of few words and being that Dean never shut his mouth, it was nice to be around someone subdued.

  “She’s… become my summer project. Winning her over, that is. I don’t know how to explain her. Hottest girl I’ve seen. Pissy like you wouldn’t believe. She obviously hates most guys, so I’ve made it my mission to convince her we’re not all bad.” I finished my beer and cracked open another. Fuck it.

  “And she’s older, right?” Jon smirked and Dean laughed loudly.

  “Not cougar old, I hope.” Dean was my best friend, but right now I wanted to punch his teeth in. Protectiveness roared like a beast inside me.

  “No, dick. She’s twenty-one.”

  “Sweet! She can buy our beer!” Dean was getting ahead of himself. I had no plans to introduce these fuckheads to Emma. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed of them; it was more that she was fragile, I guess. Weird, because I also thought of her as incredibly strong, but I sensed that the tough and bitchy persona was just a protective façade to keep people distant and I wanted to keep her tucked away for a while. I needed to make her mine first.

  “She’s not buying you shit. I’m not asking her to do something illegal for you losers. Keep begging your cousin and leave my girl alone.” I was getting hot and that was very unlike me. These were my boys and they had never really pissed me off before.

  “Your girl? Your girl? You haven’t even kissed her. My, my boys. Me thinks we’re about to witness a real live miracle, right here in Zionsville. The mighty Landon Washington has met his match. He’s got a crush on a girl and needs to win her over. This, I want to see. Usually they just fall down and their legs fly open in his presence.”

  The guys continued to pound beers well into the night. They finally moved on from harassing me to comparing girls we knew. I passed out, not participating in their banter. All I could think about was… Emma… my girl.

  My girl… had been heated as hell at me. I normally couldn’t care less if I made someone mad. That feeling of ambivalence came from years of conditioning myself to accept constant disappointment from my parents. Bravo, parental units.

  I guessed, at first, that missing our workout meant more to her than I thought it would. I was stupid as hell for getting drunk and sleeping late. Those mornings with her were the best part of my day. I had to go to the gym daily. Coaches orders. Football first. Dad made sure I knew that rule like it was tattooed on my forehead. But I’d never forget my surprise seeing her in the club gym the very first time.

  I had played it cool from the start, knowing she was totally checking me out. Got a little stiffy from it, in fact, but I stayed stoic. Once her eyes closed, I knew she was thinking about sex. Then she screamed and almost fell off the treadmill. Yup. Thinking about my junk. As she should be. I had to picture my Aunt Agnes at the beach, in a swim get up that looked more like a circus big top
. That kept me from pitching a complete tent. Aunt Agnes was my “go to” visual for deflating my lower region. Those visuals had gotten me out of a number of potentially embarrassing situations.

  Christ. I turned the wheel sharply, almost missing the entrance to the lake. Steadying the truck, I headed to the spot where I always met up with the guys. When I had really stopped and thought about it, she wasn’t just mad that I skipped out on our time in the gym. I had let her down. She had counted on me, finally… and fuck. I hurt her feelings. And that was the very last thing I ever wanted to do to Emma. Two steps forward and ten back.

  And then there was Evie. I’d never gotten to know someone with Down syndrome. I mean, I’d gone to school with a couple of kids that had it, but I’d never really talked to someone with Downs until now. Not that I was scared. Just… out of my comfort zone. And she was funny, and sweet, and kind. I felt more welcome at that kitchen table than at my own.

  Meeting Evie made me think of those kids at my school that I’d never given a second thought too. The ones that were “special.” I wasn’t mean to them, but I made no real effort to get to know them or help them. Just because you didn’t bully someone, it didn’t make it okay when you looked the other way. Damn—every thought in my head was becoming, ‘What would Emma think?’ ‘What would Emma say?’ It was like she was becoming my moral compass. And it felt totally right.

  “She calls me Land.” Dean had finally arrived at the lake, and we were waiting on Ricky and Jon to get off of work. Emma was spending her day off with her sister and I was spending mine obsessing over Emma.

  “You sound like a pussy, you know that?” Dean snickered and threw a rock in the lake with a loud plop, missing completely in his attempt to skip it along the surface.